Reclaiming Your Emotional Agency: Compassion over Empathy

Jan 25

Written By Melanie Rimkay

Ask yourself….

would describe yourself as highly empathetic?

have ever felt completely drained, overwhelmed, or paralyzed by someone else's emotions?

"Interesting, right? This blog explores why that happens and what the antidote actually is."

In this blog, we’ll look at:

Why empathy—as wonderful as it sounds—has hidden costs
The crucial distinction between empathy and compassion
How to move from feeling someone's pain to actually being helpful
Practical ways to protect your energy while still caring deeply

My inspiration and Source

Much of what I'll share draws from the work of Arthur Brooks, a Harvard professor who studies happiness. He introduced me to this distinction, and it's been transformative for understanding how we can care for others without losing ourselves."

PART 1: THE EMPATHY TRAP

"Let's start with a story. Imagine a friend calls you in crisis—their relationship just ended, they're devastated. What do you typically do?"

Most of us dive right in. We feel their pain. We sit with them in the darkness.
This feels like love. It feels like connection.
But what happens to YOU after that call?

What Empathy Actually Is

"Empathy is the capacity to put yourself in someone else's shoes and actually FEEL what they're feeling. It's emotional mirroring. When your friend hurts, you hurt."

The Gift of Empathy:

Creates connection and trust
Helps people feel seen and understood
Is essential for relationships
Signals to others: "You're not alone"

The Shadow Side of Empathy:

It can be emotionally draining and lead to burnout
It can paralyze us—we feel the pain but can't act
It can lead to poor decision-making (we make choices to relieve OUR discomfort at feeling their pain)
It can actually enable others rather than support their growth

If you hear the story once and give space, you’re going to hear it 5 more times unless you set healthy boundaries.

The Over-empathy Problem

Arthur Brooks says: "The worst parents of teenagers I've ever met are unbelievably empathetic. 'Oh, you're feeling so much pain? I'll call your teacher. I'll try to relieve your pain.' That's actually terribly uncompassionate—because people need to grow. People need to feel some discomfort to develop."

Question:

Have you ever been so focused on relieving someone's emotional pain that you may have actually prevented them from learning something important?
Have you ever avoided having a hard conversation because you could feel how much it would hurt them?
Have you ever said yes when you meant no, just because you could feel their disappointment?

"Take a moment to think about a time when your empathy may have actually gotten in the way—either of your own wellbeing, or of truly helping someone else."

PART 2: UNDERSTANDING THE DISTINCTION

The Three Levels of Caring

There are 3 levels of caring:

SYMPATHY → EMPATHY → COMPASSION

(feeling for) → (feeling with) → (feeling + acting)

1. Sympathy: "I feel sorry for you"

Acknowledges another's pain from a distance
Can feel condescending or disconnected
Maintains emotional separation

2. Empathy: "I feel your pain"

Emotional mirroring—taking on their feelings as your own
Creates profound connection
Can lead to paralysis, burnout, or enmeshment

3. Compassion: "I feel your pain AND I'm moved to help"

Combines understanding WITH the motivation to act
Maintains enough separation to be effective
Generates strength and purpose, not depletion

** A note on Pity

When I looked for the definition of Sympathy it made me think of pity. So I thought we should look at the correlations to sympathy and pity so that if we are trying to convey sympathy we do it carefully.

Sympathy carries a kind of vertical quality to it. When we feel sympathy, there's often an implicit "I'm over here, you're over there, and I feel sorry for what you're going through." It maintains distance. And that distance can easily tip into pity, which has that condescending edge—looking down at someone's situation from a position of perceived safety or superiority.

Brooks actually positions sympathy as the most surface-level of the three responses, and I think that's because it lacks the with-ness of empathy and the for-ness of compassion. Sympathy can stay comfortable. It doesn't require us to enter someone's experience or take meaningful action.

Pity takes that distance even further—it almost objectifies the person suffering. "Oh, that poor thing." There's a separation that subtly says, "I'm glad that's not me."

So while sympathy and pity aren't identical, they live in the same neighborhood. Sympathy can be warm and genuine—a heartfelt "I'm so sorry you're going through this"—but it's vulnerable to sliding into pity when it lacks genuine connection or respect for the other person's agency.

THIS IS A PEOPLE PLEASER’S CAUTIONARY TALE…YOU MIGHT THINK YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING TO PLEASE ANOTHER BUT YOU ARE REALLY JUST OFFENDING THEM.

Here's how Arthur Brooks distinguishes empathy from compassion

Empathy is feeling somebody else's pain and being kind of paralyzed by it
Compassion means feeling somebody else's pain, understanding what needs to be done, and having the courage to do it—even if they don't like it.'"

So What's Driving You?

With empathy, you often act to relieve YOUR discomfort at feeling their pain.

You give advice because you can't bear their confusion
You rescue because you can't tolerate their struggle
You say yes because their disappointment hurts you

With compassion, you act from wisdom about what truly serves their highest good.

You hold space while they find their own answers
You allow struggle that promotes growth
You say what needs to be said, even when it's hard

Here’s a hard pill to swallow so try to take it with a big drink of water…

"Think about the difference between wanting someone to feel better (so you can feel better) versus wanting them to actually BE better in the long run. How might those two motivations lead to different actions?"

PART 3: THE COMPASSION SHIFT

Why This Matters for YOUR Life

"This isn't just about being a better helper. This is about reclaiming your emotional agency—your right to feel YOUR feelings without being hijacked by everyone else's."

When we're trapped in empathy:

We absorb the emotional energy of everyone around us
We lose access to our own inner guidance
We make decisions based on managing other people's emotions
We burn out, resent, or collapse

When we operate from compassion:

We can be present WITH someone without becoming them
We maintain access to our own wisdom and strength
We can take effective action rather than just feeling stuck
We actually have more to give over time

The Inner Shift: From Sponge to Lighthouse

"Think of the difference between a sponge and a lighthouse. A sponge absorbs everything—that's empathy without boundaries. A lighthouse stands firm, radiates light, and helps others navigate—that's compassion."

Practical Tool #1: The Compassion Check

When you notice yourself taking on someone else's emotional state, pause and ask:

"What am I feeling right now?" (Name it—anxiety, sadness, urgency)
"Is this mine?" (Sometimes it is! But often we've absorbed theirs)
"What does this person actually need?" (Not what will make ME feel better)
"What's the most helpful action I can take?" (Which may include doing nothing)

Practical Tool #2: The Wise Observer

"Compassion requires a part of you that can witness the suffering without drowning in it. Like a good therapist—fully present, deeply caring, but not falling apart WITH you."

Practice:

When someone shares their pain, imagine yourself as two beings:

One who FEELS with them completely
One who observes from a loving distance, asking "What's truly helpful here?" or even better “If I weren't drowning with them, what would I see?”

Let both exist. The feeling creates connection. The observer enables wise action.

Practical Tool #3: Compassionate Questions

Instead of immediately trying to fix, relieve, or solve (often empathy-driven), try:

"What do you need most right now?"
"What feels true for you about this situation?"
"What would be most helpful from me?"
"Is there something you're afraid to see or feel here?"
And you guys know the one i love best…”what’s the lesson in this for you?”

These questions honour their autonomy while offering your presence.

Reframe Practice

"I'm going to share a scenario, and I want you to identify the empathic response versus the compassionate response."

Scenario: Your adult child is struggling financially and asks to borrow money—again.

Compassionate response: You feel their struggle. You acknowledge it. But you also consider: What does their growth require? What boundaries protect both of you? You might help, but with conditions. Or you might have a harder conversation about patterns. You act from love AND wisdom.
Empathic response: You feel their stress, their shame, their fear. You can't bear it. You give them the money immediately, maybe even more than they asked for.

"Notice: compassion isn't cold. It often requires MORE courage than empathy. It's the hard love that transforms."

PART 4: RECLAIMING YOUR EMOTIONAL AGENCY

What Is Emotional Agency?

"Emotional agency is your right to CHOOSE how you respond to the emotional data around you. It's the difference between being tossed around by every feeling that floats by and being anchored in your own centre while still remaining open."

The People-Pleasing Connection

"Many of us who are highly empathic are also recovering people-pleasers. And here's why: when you FEEL everyone's feelings, you become highly motivated to manage everyone's feelings. It's exhausting. It's unsustainable. And frankly? It's not your job."

Your Emotional Agency Declaration (or your Permission Slip)

"You are allowed to:"

Feel someone's pain without taking responsibility for fixing it
Say no even when you can feel their disappointment
Let someone be uncomfortable without rushing to rescue them
Make decisions based on your own wisdom, not their emotional reaction
Protect your energy without becoming cold or uncaring

Practical Tool #4: The Pause Before Merge

When you notice yourself about to merge with someone's emotional state:

Take one conscious breath
Say internally: "I see you. I feel with you. AND I remain me."
Ask: "What does compassion—not just empathy—call for here?"

Practical Tool #5: Post-Interaction Reset

After emotionally intense interactions:

Physical shake-off (literally shake your hands, roll your shoulders..sometimes I’ll even go take a shower)
Name what you absorbed: "I took on their anxiety about..."
Return it energetically: "That's not mine to carry. I release it with love."
Reconnect to YOUR state: "What do I actually feel right now?"

Practical Tool #6: The Courageous Conversation Template

When compassion requires you to say something hard:

"I care about you, and because I care, I need to share something that might be uncomfortable..."
"I've been reflecting on how I can truly support you, and I realize..."
"I love you too much to pretend this is okay..."

Personal Inventory ~ Journal Time

Where in my life am I stuck in empathy when compassion is needed?
What hard conversation have I been avoiding because I can feel how it will land?
Where am I giving away my emotional agency to manage someone else's feelings?
What would change if I trusted myself to be loving AND boundaried?

"Remember: Moving from empathy to compassion isn't about becoming less caring. It's about becoming more effective, more sustainable, and ultimately more loving. Because the greatest gift you can give anyone is your full, centered, wise presence—not your depleted, anxious, over-functioning self."

"True compassion includes self-compassion. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you cannot help anyone navigate if you've jumped into the ocean with them."

"Be the lighthouse, not the sponge."

The Missing Piece: Compassion Turned Inward

Before we go any further, I want to name something I see over and over again with highly empathic people: You can feel everyone else's pain with exquisite sensitivity. But your own? You dismiss it. Minimize it. Power through it. Judge yourself for even having needs.

It's like your empathy antenna is pointed entirely outward. You can tune into everyone else's frequency, but you go static on your own.

And here's the painful irony: many of you are hard on yourselves precisely BECAUSE you absorb so much. You feel like you should be able to handle it. You feel selfish for being depleted. You judge yourself for needing boundaries. 'I should be more compassionate' becomes a whip you beat yourself with—when really, the person who most needs your compassion is YOU.

So let me ask you this: Can you have empathy for the part of you that's exhausted from having so much empathy for everyone else?

Can you offer yourself what you so freely give to others—not just feel your own pain, but actually respond to it with wisdom and care?

Because here's the truth: You cannot be a lighthouse for others while you're abandoning yourself. Self-compassion isn't selfish. It's the foundation. It's what makes sustainable, grounded, wise compassion possible.

The work starts at home."

Melanie Rimkay